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So Many Thoughts…

I have so many thoughts looking at this picture with my new camera. So I will ramble a bit and just let it out.

jun-21When I got arrested (when they claimed I had violated my probation), Kristina told her mom what was happening. She told her about my charges and my past. Her mom was on our side and very understanding, supportive, and nice.

We did not tell her father.

I am open about my past, but I didn’t feel like explaining myself to anyone anymore. I grew tired of it, and I would be honest when it came up, but I had no plans to bring it up.

When we decided on a home birth, Kristina’s mom panicked. She reacted inappropriately. One of these inappropriate reactions was calling Kristina’s dad, her ex-husband, and demanding that he call the police and try to get me taken away and then somehow force or convince Kristina to do a hospital birth.

She told him that I was a child molester, and that I was holding Kristina hostage.

I understand that he told her he would have no part of her craziness, and the decisions we were making were ours to make even if he didn’t agree with them, either. And he said my past was none of their business unless I wanted to tell them.

And I love him for that. I hope I would be as good a man in that situation.

He bought us a camera. Not because we needed one. We had one. But he figured we would feel obligated to take more pictures to send to him.

When I got the camera I was like, “Why? We don’t need this.”

Now I can’t stop taking pictures,. It’s a much better camera than our old one. It does nice video, too.

And I thank him for that, too.

I also think about how badly he wants in on Gabriel’s life. He wasn’t there for Kristina as much as she would have liked him to be, but he wants to be there for Gabriel. It has me thinking, thinking about choices. And it has me thinking about how I am not there for Sage. And about how my ex-wife and Kristina’s father’s ex wife are very¬†similar.¬†And it has me hoping with all my heart that I am there for Gabriel the way I thought I would be for Sage.

I look at his face and I see hers. I miss her so much. And I love them both. And the more I spend time with my son, the more room I have for more love in my heart for life and for others. Those who have wronged me, and giving me my path, and those who have warmed my heart with their choices. Life is a heck of a ride.

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